I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
