When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
