Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
