i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Randomize
