i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
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