I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
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