Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
