I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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