Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
