Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
