People are allowed to visit it's just they can't be from Germany and have to wear masks.
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Randomize
