Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Randomize
