sooooo how many boyfriends is too many?
Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
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