Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Randomize
