Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
