We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
