I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Randomize
