I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
So much Jack, so little girl.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
