there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
