her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
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i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
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Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.