I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...