I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Randomize
