I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
This beer is not sobering me up at all
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
