she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
