my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Randomize
