He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
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Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
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Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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