the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
