What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
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