Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Randomize
