WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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