He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
