just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Randomize
