Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
