One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
