Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
