trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Randomize
