Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
