I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Randomize
