i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
