one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
