My friends, they love my intelligence
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Randomize
