my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
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