Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
