you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Randomize
