Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Last time i carry you out of a forest
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
