can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
pop tarts are not kleenex
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
