Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Randomize
