She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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