My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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