im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Randomize
