I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Randomize
