just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Randomize
