I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
