Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
